The rule of three’s… something wicked this way comes

Well reader(s) I must warn you. Today this post is not as funny and light-hearted as I would like but rather an account of my night I just had. I have always been a firm believer that it does not matter how much good you may do or how hard you work bad luck will find you… and when it does it always comes in three’s. My luck took a turn last night and in fact I was lucky enough to experience all three omens in one night.

The night started off like any other, a few friends got together at mine for some drinks to celebrate the saturday of a long weekend. After finishing some drinks on a high note we proceeded to a local bar where a labour day event was being held.  I was initially excited as someone i had been on a few dates would be there and I was excited to see them, unaware of the events to follow.

The night started off on an interesting note… as i walked from the washroom to the bar I was stopped by someone i had previously had a date with.. only one and it was not that great.. so as you can imagine, there was no follow-up. However… this suitor decided it would be prudent to confront me over it and begin my night on an uncomfortable note. Pretending it was all in good humor and fun I did my best to shrug it off and get my drink. At this point is when I started to take notice that a friend of ours had too much to drink and was essentially cross-eyed… this however was not entirely unexpected but more routine. The night proceeded and I ran into the suitor who I had a few dates with.  We proceeded to dance and I noticed this one was how shall I say a little more… “e” then I was prepared for at the bar. However this newly discovered douchebag status was not enough to stop my drunken self from kissing them. Yup a little bit of a make out.. nothing obscene but a nice kiss. It wasn’t great but i was drunk and it happened.

As luck would have it this night would also be the night my ex who still likes me would be at the same bar and in fact see that kiss. Yup! You guessed it! He confronted me too. This of course led into a conversation/mild argument about our breakup and why we can’t be together… (Coles notes story… he wants me back… but the reasons we broke up still remain) 30 minutes later after this ended my friends who I came with had left due to their level of drunkenness.

Angry, irate and sad I realized it was time to go. I walked out with the individual i had recently made out with and his friends, said goodbye and parted ways. As I walked home i was lucky enough to hear them objectify me with douchebag comments. Yup readers, that ends that chapter. WAIT! It’s not over. As I am walking home guess who i happen to walk into… you guessed it! The ex and his friend. Again I made some small talk before continuing my walk of shame and sadness.

So where does this leave me… An ex who is hurt and probably very upset, a new discovery that my latest interest is a douchebag, other dates now confronting me and of course a hangover to remind me that it all happened.
Perhaps as labour day closes summer so to shall it close my dating career for a brief while. Perhaps this was a sign I need a break from looking for the right partner. Perhaps they are just not out there for me here. Well until my next awkward funny story I bid you farewell.

-X-

 

You want love and to feel needed… I simply just want to win

The other day i found myself doing something I have caught myself doing before.. and perhaps you have too. Perhaps it is my “incorrigible” nature that brings it out of me as so eloquently put by a dear friend. You see readers I often find myself uninterested in certain people who may have or hadn’t pursued me but part of me wants to prove to myself that I can reel them in and get them into a sexually compromising situation.

Now before you besmirch me and brand me with the letter “A”… hear me out.. because as i once thought this was a weird curse of mine I have since learned that it is a quite common occurrence in both men and women, gay or straight.  For those of us who have not found our prince charming or our queen or even our mail order bride, the single life embarrasses us in full force. Often like others, I find myself bored of dating but want a little fun once and awhile… sometimes, not always, but sometimes this journey to find fun sometimes turns into a game as to whether or not I can “get with” or at least make someone “infatuated” with me. No.. i have no real intention of dating them… and often I know that the person in question is wrong for me in every which way… and in fact the more I write this out the worse it sounds… but really… If you are in your mid-20’s or older.. I want you to play a little game.. and if you can say no (Honestly) to any of the following questions. Well good sir/ fine madam you are a better person than I. Perhaps I will become a better, less judgemental, more nurturing, more loving, more caring, kinder person.. but until that day… know one thing… I win.
Questions/Statements 

** there are 5 questions.. If you answer yes to 2 or more… you are as bad as the rest of the world 😀 **

1. Have you ever slept with/ fondled a person who you had no intention of pursuing a date or relationship with??

2. Have you ever pursued a man/woman only because they seemed unattainable?

3. Have you ever followed up a date with another get together for the sole purpose of sex/fondling?

4. Have you ever been “intimate” with someone and immediately after felt a sense of accomplishment/winning and then wished they would just leave so you could shower and/or nap?

5. Have you ever “Dated” or “hung out with” someone based purely on their physical appearance?

“Sometimes I can’t form sentences…..” ohh F*ck me…

 

Lets start off today’s entry with a definition from dictionary.com

spon·ta·ne·i·ty

[spon-tuh-nee-i-tee, -ney-]

noun, plural -ties.

1.the state, quality, or fact of being spontaneous.

2.spontaneous  activity.

3.spontaneities, spontaneous  impulses, movements, oractions.

The other night readers I was in a good mood despite a recent burn i received from too much sun an slightly milky albino skin. Well I’m not quite an albino but lets just say on a good day I give Powder a run for his money. Anyway as the night progressed I had been chatting with someone I talk to every so often but was never sure if I was convinced this suitor warranted a full on date. Anyway being bored and looking for something to do i agreed to be spontaneous and just go meet this suitor just to have fun see what happened. Let me break down the night for you and why I will recommend that while spontaneity can be fun it can come with a price.

1. I arrive to see this individual smiling with a grin that was a little to ear to ear… Which made me a little nervous… nervous like I may be walking home with a torn dress telling people I “fell”

2. Conversation started with my normal ramblings until i realized I was carrying on the conversation. Ok I get it… first hangout/date it can be awkward.. So i suggest music

3. “Does silence make you uncomfortable” I was asked…. to which i replied “no… but i like music”…. what i really meant was “Yes it does, you are boring and I need something to take my mind off your horribleness

4. We talk about this and that and joke about sex a bit and dirty talk.. Noticing he was talking in a funny way I laugh when he mentions dirty talking…. to which he says “If you … haven’t notice…. *pause* I have trouble forming sentences”

5. After some more awkward back and forth and this suitors failed attempt at a kiss I say I feel dirty and need to go home and shower. To which I wave goodbye and run full speed to my apartment.

The Aftermath

Now readers comes for the awkward part. How to ensure this suitor never contacts me again. We have many options to explore. The best and most direct would be to simply follow-up to their next failed sentence communication with a simple “I’m not interested thank you”… which after my own experience with the fade out may be something i try and explore. The other option is to pray to whatever gods and deities I can think of and hope nature knows what is needed and fades him out without my help.

So now I ask you… How does one continue to keep looking for mr/mrs right when my attempts of recent have been extremely small peen, people who can’t form sentences, obsessive stalkers and other such mouth breathers. All I can hope is that somewhere out there, you are realizing that perhaps in comparison, your dating life isn’t so bad.

-X

The Three Facials of Eve

Today readers we need to discuss something as a family. You see readers I have a problem… an anatomical problem to discuss. As you can gather from my posts of late I have been dating, looking for a relationship, etc. I have hit a roadblock… a road I have been down before… you see.. it’s the problem with peen.  Let me break this down for you by two situations or ‘suitors’ I have been dealing with.

Scenario A:

A boy I have been casually dating here and there for several months, nothing serious. We hang out, go see a movie, nothing implied as to what it is, and no strings. It comfortable. Now we tend to just have some over the clothes action but once or twice we have hopped the train to peen town. This gentleman is quite large… with two notable defects.. One… a fake testicle (Ok… I can deal).. .the second… slight phimosis ( a condition where the foreskin does not full retract-can be corrected). Now while it is weird it is something I can deal with. The other issue is the fact this suitor is very strict in his “role” and may be more of a player than someone suited for something long term…. So now I’m debating… what do I pursue or not pursue with this one….?

Scenario B:

A boy I met (happens to be a friend from an ex- shhh don’t tell).. great personality, fun, adventurous, sweet, nice nice bum. We have been on three dates. Great kisser, gives great massages…. The problem. Small peen. Now I have seen smaller sadly but this is definitely a challenge sexually. However, I think due to recognition of this fact is very skilled at pleasing and making things all about me… So what is one to do? Should this be an issue? Should I wait to see how things play out? Or should I pull the ruler out and in an Iman tone say “You just don’t measure up”

 

So I ask you now readers.. how should I pursue. Normally I know how to act but at the moment I am lost. Does one judge a man based on a factor he can not control and judge him based on the quality of the connection? Or do you maintain your requirements and move on when you find a man who does not measure up. And is it worth pursuing a player with potential? Is it good to keep things casual or worth making a go of it?

Many questions readers, many faces to choose from, many facials to still receive before a verdict can be declared.

 

 

 

Multiating: Ready! Steady!! DATE!!!

Well readers it has finally happened to me… I was a victim of the “fade out”. For those of you who are unfamiliar or new to this site let me explain. The fade out is dating technique when instead of telling someone you are no longer interested you slowly become less communicative/receptive until all forms of communication just stop. Thankfully though, not being a push over, I confronted this individual with the simple question you should all be asking if in the situation “Hey you interested or should I move on?”. While being direct comes with pros and cons, keep in mind it gives you great piece of mind as it did for me.  Now while I got the lame “I want to hang out… but there is too much going on in my life” response. It is easily enough translated into “I’m kinda a douche and I hate confrontation… but you should move on”

But this post is not to discuss or whine about a missed opportunity it is to discuss a new strategy for dating I’m exploring we shall call “Multiating”. What is multiating? Well it is the simple task of ensuring you never put your eggs in one basket, never storing all your files on one computer, never having only just one drink… readers… its dating many at the same time.

Following my recent dating failure I was crushed. I really liked the individual and had hopes for date 4. In fact the fade out hit me harder than I would care to admit. Cut to stage left… In steps a wiser, older female friend. We spoke, we laughed, we had pitchers and what came out of this discussion was her sage advice that dating only one person at a time can come with dire consequences. That being, you put all your energy and crazy into one person. However, should you casually date others at the same time your brain can never fixate on one person. Now I know at first this can seem complicated or even slutty but remember, you are not sleeping with all these suitors, you are simply going on a date, maybe taking in a kiss/tongue here and there and gauging their potential at something long-term.

Let’s try to make this clear by a simple Pro and Con list.

Pro’s

1. You never over invest yourself or emotions
2. You appear slightly hard to get while not being your intention
3. A suitor who likes you may sense rivalry and try harder to win your admiration
4. You can compare and contrast the dates and see who wins
5. By not over investing, should things not go in your way the emotion was never too fully invested to crush your ego

Con’s

1. Saying the wrong name during an intimate moment
2. Mixing up the potential suitors
3. Remembering more than one new name
4. They both/all have no potential and you are left having to do a mass dumping

… And if we use science and to some degree “math” we can arrive at the healthy conclusion that pro > con. 

So there you have it readers. A quick but effective strategy to approach dating. While it isn’t for everyone I encourage you to give it a shot. It is called “dating” not “marry the next person you date”. So go out, try it, be adventurous, and if anything get a few good meals and free drinks out of it!

-X

My self esteem is not low enough to date you… it’s close but not quite there

I dedicate this video to certain people in my life at the moment. No song better sums up my current life and situation. I hope readers you’re dating life and sex life are fairing better than mine. I shall return in the upcoming weeks with another series of posts I call “How stella her groove back and caught a communicable disease.”  A funny story on friends omissions of their STDS and how I can laugh at their expense.

The March of Triumph… aka… the walk of shame

After Saturday nights debauchery I’m reminded by an insufferable woman… Maya Angelou. The once presidential poet said “You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies, but still like dust I rise…” Well readers…Sunday morning when I decided to “Rise” I realized… after a long dry spell, I would be doing the critically acclaimed walk of shame. No not from down the street or around the corner from my flat. Oh no, this walk would take not only a walk to a streetcar stop,  a 15 minute ride, a  20 minute subway ride and a 10 minute walk home. For this readers what not a walk of shame but a march.. A march.. well of Triumph.

When I first started to walk I thought… “oh god.. how old am i?”, “ am I really doing this walk?” And then it dawned on me… Yes I am doing this walk and I am damn proud. I have not had sex in a dog’s age and due to a series of bad choices and questionable morals I had a great end to a great day this past weekend. I think the name needs to change from a “walk of shame” to “parade of triumph” . Because let’s be honest, if you wake up and you are still proud of yourself, why be ashamed. Sometimes it is better to live by a motto that “An awkward morning, beats a boring night”. However, I should point out this is one of very few times I can say I was somewhat proud of my accomplishment, but none the less, proud.

However, that being said there a few tricks to having a great parade home. These only apply to situations where you are not embarrassed and can handle staying a few extra minutes after you wake up. Otherwise if you find yourself with a coyote ugly, grab your heels and smeared makeup’d face and run!!!

Top 5 pre-walk Tips

1. If you can wake up before them and take a quick shower, do it!! Worst case scenario find a hand clothe and clean your face.
2. Remove any accessories that you wouldn’t wear during the day
3. After cleaning yourself up in the washroom look for any cologne or perfume you can find and give yourself a few sprays to hide the smell of shame, liquor and questionable morals
4. Look for a comb, brush or product and make sure your hair looks good before heading out the door
5. Keep your head high, back straight and walk with confidence…. If you are suffering from a hangover a quick trip to starbucks and the chemist for some advil will perk you right up!

Hey dere beby.. I were like to her sexxx in you..

Sometimes I hear friends say…. “Ohh I can’t believe you are still single!” or “How has no one snatched you up yet” or my all time favorite “Mr/Mrs right will find you when the time is right”…. my response to most of these people (who are generally all in relationships)… is..

Fuck you.

My nights bitterness comes from a reminder i received that the quality of single folks is diminishing. Below I kid you not is a message I received from an online dating site I have tried…. (Against my better judgement).

Subject: hey hoe r you dowing 

Message:

jus want to let you no that your verry hot.

From: …. 

Now i know I shouldn’t have to translate this for you find folk but I will…

“I am illiterate and i want to have sex in you”… Please I beg of you readers.. If you have the kindness to send a message to stranger… try to at least attempt to be literate….

-X

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Dating Academy

If you were going to give a gold medal to the least delightful person in my dating repertoire, you would have to give that medal to my most recent date, for dear readers this suitor while attractive had the admirable qualities of being dull, boring, and it is really a shame that I must describe him to you, because there are enough ghastly and distressing things in this story without even mentioning such an unpleasant person.

Well this may be a bit of an exaggeration as I write the latest in my blog series “A series of unfortunate events: The Dating Academy”. The night started out as some do, with a text saying this suitor will be late… luckily I had not left so I was not bothered. Making my way to the bar I thought, I really hope this is not the kind of lad who is chronically late… well.. I was right. I stood waiting for about 10-15 minutes until he showed up, who I might add did not apologize… Strike 1. We finally sit down and a look at the menu… he takes at least 10 minutes to decide… changing his order twice… Strike 2.

The conversation begins… or should I say I begin to talk.. and talk… and talk. Why am I talking so much? Well dear readers this is because I have realized I am on a date with a mute. One of those guys who answer your question and then sit and says nothing. Now if you are like me by any chance, upon realizing this you also realize you need to terminate this date like an unwanted pregnancy. I excuse myself to use the washroom (which I did not need to use) to plan my escape route… Perhaps I could just run out? Fake a seizure? Get a friend to call with an emergency? No no.. these seemed too dire. So I sucked it up and realized my option was to leverage work and get the hell out of there. I return and sit down to my glass of Malbec. He says nothing…. And then more nothing… shocked and confused that he couldn’t even come up with an opening line I begrudgingly look at my half full glass and with one swift movement swallow it whole. Maybe not my most classy moment but I think I got my point across when I followed it up with “Well I think we should get the bill!”. The bill comes and he starts to do math… strike 3.  Listen lads, I am happy to pay for drinks or even split the costs but if you are going to be boring, late and have nothing to say the least you can do is pay for my drinks for wasting my time.

Thankfully the date ended and I got home. No goodnight kiss/hug or sign of affection and hopefully no further text’s or communication with this lad. While I add another name to the wall of failures I wonder if I am too be plagued by these series of unfortunate dates.

-X

He Wanted to have PhoneSex…. So I *69’ed him… oh baby

Hopefully you enjoyed the video readers…. because I realized while we have chatted about Sext’s we have neglected to address a perhaps “Old School” practice… The art of phone sex. I can’t say I have been in the phone sex situation much. However, I do have one “friend” who calls every so often, albeit drunk, and decides to verbalize all the filthy, dirty, disgusting, fun things he wants to do me. 5 years ago, hearing someone say “I want you to pound me” would have made me freeze up and blush. Today however, is another story, being single, and sometimes a little/hugely under-sexed has made me re-evaluate my attitudes.

I can’t say I am one to initiate phone sex or someone who is particularly good at it.. but hey.. get a box of Merlot in me and lets see where the night takes us. So for those of you like myself who are a novice, here are some simple rules of phone sex to follow.

1. You always have to start and finish your dirty talk with “Ohh ya….”  “You like that..?” “What do you want me to do”

2. Make a lot of breathing sounds like you are masturbating to the conversation… aka.. just fake it.

3. At some point make sure to tell the other you want to “pound”, “Fu*k” or “ride” them until they can’t stand

4. Ensure you demand sexual acts and seem aggressive.. it get’s the other off and you can go to bed sooner.

5. Try to convince them to take a nude pic of themselves and send it to you for later.. or blackmail…. which ever comes first 😀

Alright young readers! Now go! Put that leather corset or harness on, pick up your phone! Dial a friend and ravage them verbally. *Lube not required!*

-X